Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dear told me alot of things that I wasn't told before.. He told me he can't get over HL incident & asked me to be better off with him as both of us have the same thinking.. Both of us are the same type of people.. It hurts when I hear this.. He kept emphasising the fact that I told him I was a little moved by HL but that doesn't mean anything! It doesn't mean I'll be with him or must be with him. I know what kind of bf I want & HL will be the last for me to consider for sure! Perhaps I used the wrong word that time that caused him to brood over it even till now.. He told me since I'm happy with HL then be with him.. But when did I say I'm happier with him? He just saw photos & assumed I'm happy but there are many things he didn't know about it. Does he even know that I always quarrel with HL despite the fact that I looked happy when I was with him? He doesn't.. If I'm happy being with someone dictates I fancy him, then I guessed I'll be too busy fancy others.. Why don't he just think about happy moments when with him? There are even more happier moments with him than HL.. In fact, moments with HL wasn't any happy moments, just a tiding period for me to confide in. Dear said we shouldn't be together again after HL incident & I was so damn right that time. I told him that time as I knew he can't get over it.. I just know Dear too well.. But he said he believe me yet still let his mind run wild..

I've asked what did I do for the past 1 year. He said that I didn't care for him at all, just do whatever I want. Yes, I knew it but despite neglecting him, I really did not do anything else to hurt him.. He said he don't like me to out with some people yet I still go but I really don't know who else he dislike besides HL. Plus I already cut all contact with HL. Those whom I know I already gave up, I don't know what else I can do to make him happier. I kept probing till I finally got the answers.. He don't like to go out alone with guys, meet at nights & he dislike me to go overseas with guys & all I did. But going overseas was already when we are no longer together.. He also can't accept the fact that I turn to others when he was not able to help.. I feel so helpless.. He can't help yet I can't turn to others..

He also don't like me to go around telling people about our r/s.. I knew from the start he don't like so I was so afraid to tell anyone till things got worst & I need someone to help me solve coz I'm totally clueless of what to do.. But I didn't know he would mind so much.. I was merely looking for a solution to our r/s.. He also dislike the idea of me posting my emotions on FB.. Perhaps that's me, an emotional freak, I can't keep everything to myself, I'll go crazy so I've to let all my frustrations, my anger all let off to cool down.. Or perhaps, that's women..

He said he can walk out of this r/s so he's sure I'll be able to as well.. He said he'll be with me.. I wished I'm that strong.. My self infliction disorder just came back to me all of the sudden.. Perhaps I just can't take the blow.. Perhaps I care too much.. I really hate myself hurting him & hurting myself so much that things just went out of control now.. I know no matter what I do now is useless, he just didn't want to get hurt again.. I knew when I promised him I will change for him, I meant it.. I don't make empty promises.. When I know I can't I won't, but since I've made up my mind, I'm really willing to.. But he just feels I won't coz he felt if I will, I will change in the past & not now.. But its coz I realised what is the most important thing to me... HIM!!