Thursday, January 27, 2011
It's been 3mths plus since we broke up.. I thought things have turn better but it wasn't the way as I thought..
Planned to cook dinner & eat together but he suddenly asked for the cap I bought from Sunway. I refused to give him coz I'm afraid he does not want to return me like the other time.. I love the cap & i really don't wish to give it away.. I asked him why he needed the cap, he told me he wanted to prevent his hair from ticking him so I told him there are so many other caps, can take them since it's the same. But he insisted on the Rip Curl cap & started to search high & low in my room. Told him it's in my room but he couldn't find it & still insisted me to pass it to him if it's in my room. It started to arouse my suspicion that he's suspecting that I bought the cap for someone else & not for myself.. Already told him I bought for myself & it's at home but he don't believe me! I kept asking why he wanted that particular cap when it's all the same if he merely wanted to prevent his hair from tickling him? But he can't give me a good reason & insisted on the cap. I flared! I asked if he's suspecting me buying it for someone else then he said if it's at home, just bring it out. Then I asked him, so what if I bought it for someone else? Then he replied "So you really bought it for someone lah?" I kept asking him to give me a good reason why he insisted wearing that cap & not others but he couldn't give me a good reason. all he said was coz he like the cap & wanna wear just that cap. It's crap!!! Got fed up & asked him to leave my house. He threw his temper at me when he's at fault! Before he left, I showed him the cap wanting him to know that it's REALLY with me & NOT HIDING ANYTHING FROM HIM!!
WTF!! I already said it many times isn't it? He JUST DON'T BELIEVE!! Fuck man! I'm getting annoyed with every suspicions he got!! He get suspicious over nothing each time! What the hell does he want from me? I tell him the truth he don't believe then does he wants me to lie? Will he be happier? Can't he just be contented & appreciated that I DON'T LIE to him instead telling him the truth? Tell him the truth he he also suspect, then what he want me to do? Keep mum & don't talk lor..
He have always thought that he'd given up alot in this r/s but he isn't the only one.. I gave up alot for him too.. But he simply don't realised & took it for granted.. I seldom meet up my guy friends when we started off & even pushed away my dates with whatever reasons I can think of everytime. I told him everything & learnt that he'll get upset if I tell him I'm meeting a guy friend hence I started to tell him I'm out with friend instead if I were to meet guy. But I don't lie if he asked who the friend was, I told him truthfully. He'll get upset about it.. So what? Lie to make him feel better?
Yes, he did change for me & I can see the change too but I'm sick & tired of everything already. I told him the truth he still doubt me so at times I seriously don't know what else I can do. He tried to give in & let me go out with my guy friends but he do it unwillingly. He just wants to make me feel happier but I'm not.. Coz I can't enjoy as I care about his feelings too much & it simply makes me feel guilty to leave him alone without me..
We have been quarreling even after break up which I don't understand why.. In fact I have my rights to go out with anyone without informing him since we are no longer together but it seems that I still tell him at times.. Alot have been telling me to totally stop contact so as to put a clean break to it but I'm worried for him.. I'm afraid he can't take it & I can't bring myself to do this to him too.
He stills suspects me even after break up.. He still gets angry over minor things.. I locked my hp after break up & he cannot take it thinking that I've got something to hide from him. But the fact is, I started locking coz he didn't like the idea of me locking when we were together so I started to lock after break up since no one will be unhappy anymore. But to him, it's otherwise & not so simple. I dislike the idea of people peeping while I'm sms-ing. I don't use to be like this but now I HATE IT!! It's disrespectful & invading people's privacy..
I hate it when someone doubt me even when I'm telling the truth. Then what's the point of being truthful? I should have just lie isn't it?
I guessed why I would care so much is coz I still love & care for him.. If I don't, I wouldn't get upset at all.. I've lost hope in the r/s at time but I still pin sone hope hoping things will be for the better during these time.. His name in my mobile is still Baobei.. I still keep our photos in my wallet & whenever I see it, I'll smiled.. Coz I missed him when he's not around..
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