Saturday, April 14, 2007
Went back school yesterday even im worn out. Gotta carry so many stuff around yet i still went. The reason i went was because Maria took the effort & tried to be our middleman & asked both me & Tam to sort things out. In the end?? I never see any sight of HER!!! If she doesnt want to clarify, she shouldnt have agreed & MIA.. Worst still left my precious time!! Heard them saying that she got something on & will be there. But hey!! I waited for 4hrs!!! She never even bother to text Maria when she's not coming. Even if its really that important that she cant make it, she should have at least text someone & i wouldnt be like a fool waiting for her! They were told that there were trainings & Maria took a cab & rush to down but in the end, there was no training at all!! People commented that im irresponsible, but are they themselves??Anyway, i dont think they really care whether or not about my presence. If they care, they would have asked me to stay instead of keeping mum or saying " wednesday, u wanna come u come lor. If not, its up to u.." How would you feel if u heard that?? I did not have that intention of not turning up for training on Wed but upon hearing that, i felt im so useless.. Its not about team spirit or whatever shit that made me feel like quitting, its just a feeling that i have ever since there seems to be no team spirit. . If when i say i feel like quitting, i'll quit, i guess i'll no longer be in the team way before Open House. Im not the only saying that.. Alot of them too commented that they wanted to quit & some with the same reason. In fact when i said im not performing, i did thought of helping them for the last time or rather if they need me. Just a request from them, i'll be there again. Except for af ew who cares, no1 ever bother.
People complained about me this & that. Complained that i have many requests.. But did anyone ever noticed that im not the ONLY ONE who wanted them. Its just that NO ONE wanted to voice out & im the only one voicing out & in the end, it became all my fault, so troublesome & insisted on this & that. Bloody hell!! They adviced to voice out anything that anyone is not happy at but after voicing out, did any1 listen??? Even if they did, its really depends on which matter he/she want to do.
I just merely want the team to be like before & try to help whatever i can. But instead i got blamed. Blame me for my kaypo-ness!! Yeah!! No point crying but im only crying for myself & not anyone else!! I guess i really have to put down everything on my mind.. What for think of how they will do for their performance & hoping they'll do well for such a rush routine coz of me. Hoping that YJ will go up all & stunts & not wear her out. Why the hell am i thinking about all this?? Its not worth it at all!! I shouldnt even have thought of helping out & i regretted postponing my Lasik coz of the performance. It seems that all ive put in has come to a naught.
She Blogged
11:16 PM
11:16 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Thought i wouldnt feel anything & can take it easily as ive sort of made up my mind but as im walking out of the school, my tears just flow down so uncontrollably.. My mind was flashing through the times i had in cheer, the fun i had, the friends ive made, the stunts ive learnt & many others. I simply love cheerleading!I knew i would be upset if i quit but i did not expect myself to cry & to cry over Vesper. I know i would be happier if i stayed but just felt that our team spirit isnt there anymore, more & more conflicts are setting in, im no longer as happy as b4 & with every minor thing that occur, just make me upset, demoralised & lost hope in it. Since that day that im hurt so thoroughly & burst into tears, ive struggled to made this decision.
I may appear strong but in fact im very vunerable at heart. To people i treasure, things i love, i would definately sob for them but little did i know that i love cheer to the extend that i have actually made it part of my life!
Friday, Ive already taken off to prepare to for for training, so i'll just find some stuff to do to keep myself occupied. I know i'll definately be in a lost on Wednesday as im so used to going for trainings. I know my tears would just roll whenever i thought of it.. So i kept telling myself that:
1) Just take it as a break/rest.
Since i'll not be free every weekday, now its the perfect time for me to rest.
2) Since they ever mentioned that there are too many flyers & too few bases
This shall be the best for the team as now there's 1 flyer less so at least there'll be
enough bases i guess.
3) At least ive once fulfilled my dream as a cheerleader.
4) Ive made great friends & learnt alot there so its worthwhile.
I need to study for things ive learnt today for tmr test but i couldnt focus!! My mind just kept thinking about alot of things & i cant concentrate!! What should i do? I dont wanna fail the test as i dont know if it will affect my internship or not. But i just couldnt concentrate!! Can someone pls advice me??
She Blogged
9:30 PM
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HAVENT U GUYS MAKE THIS CLEAR??? ITS NOT I DONT WANT TO CHEER, ITS BCOZ OF MY VOICE THAT I CANT CHEER! IM JUST FEEDING BACK THAT I CANT CHEER WITH A VOICE LIKE THIS & NOT SAYING THAT I DONT WANT TO!!!
GET IT???
She Blogged
2:01 AM
2:01 AM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Im hurt.. Truly hurt & cried for the 1st time ever, for Vesper.. I just couldnt take it anymore!!I know there have been alot of problems arising in our team lately & Im trying to put everything aside & concentrate purely on trainings. I used to be looking 4ward for every trainings to come but not now anymore.. Im finding that im dragging myself for trainings & i detest that feeling!! My passion for cheerleading is still there but wheres all my enthu that i used to have? I'll try to minimaze the problem if i can but each time a problem is resolved, it seems like another will be bound arise.. I dont know why.. Maybe bcoz the problem still exists i guess..
After hearing what Garie had said.. Theres something i think i need to point out on my personal view. From the 1st day till now, ive never stop trying for stunts im not good at.. I tried even when i fell.. Its only that sometimes i need to wait for the pain to go away b4 proceeding to try again. Also, I ever told Berry that i wanted to try a toss up 2-2-1 so it'd look nice. But i backed out later when trying as i have my own fear. I have a protuding tailbone which i was adviced not to hit on it or I'll get paralysed.. I dont wish to fall just bcoz w/o any safety precaution made. I wouldnt mind going to the field & try tossing on the thicker mat. I know bases & secondary flyer will surely try to catch me if i were to fall. But at least i feel safer in the field & even if i were to fall, its inevitable as safety precaution had been made. I dont wish to get injured either & miss out trainings & longing for recovery to go back trainings. Morever, i thought its understood that 1st try on new stunts will be in field rather than our usual training area??
I believed that not only captains r worry abt the routine, we members too!! We r not demanding to hv markings but havent u see for yourself our Open House Perforamance?? Its so unsyncronised that every1 had to look at each other to confirm their positioning. Reason being we did not do our markings on the actual size mats that resulted in that. Do u want to see that happen again?? I doubt so right?? It wont take much time to put a small marking & i guessed that will helped greatly in the positioning. We all want a perfect & nice routine dont we??
I got my own eyes to see for whos planning & doing everything so u dont have to tell me. And just bcoz Tam is doing everything & stress, doesnt give her any rights to raise her voice at me!! Does that give me the right to raise my voice at any1 if im stressed up?? Besides, Im just voicing out that i couldnt help bring the crowd as im almost losing my voice. Im not saying that Im NOT helping or rather RELUCTANT to cheer the crowd. Ive lost my voice & i really meant lost my voice. I really dont want to lose it again as i would want to cheer, shout & enjoy too!!
Pls dont assume that every1 takes the soft way!! I dont mind being scolded if im really at fault BUT I DO MIND if i got raised voice at if ive DID NOTHING WRONG!! Doesnt mean that stress or whatever shit reason can be excused.
PLS MAKE THIS CLEAR PPL!! IM NOT TARGETING AT ANYONE!! Its just some things i dislike the way, me or others r treated & that doesnt mean Im targeting at any1 or dislike any1 in particular!!
Just felt that its so hard on me.. I really dont feel like going for anymore trainings but i just couldnt bear my friends, bear cheerleading!! I still love cheer but im really getting sick of everything. What should i do?? If i dont go, the performance will be called off & i'll be blame for it. Even if im not, i'll feel guilty for causing everyone's effort to be drained just coz of me. =(
She Blogged
1:01 AM
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Friday, April 06, 2007
Went to Sentosa for our 3rd Anniversary.. Thought it would be a fun trip as its been a long time since i last went.. Our 1st destination was Images of Singapore & we managed to psyco YX & YJ to tag along with us though their intention were to go tanning. But to our disappointment, there aint alot of wax sculptures.. I could remember vaguely that there were alot of wax sculptures when i 1st went but it was like many years ago.. I remembered seeing japanese soldiers, WW I/II sculptures instead of the current sculptures of different Singapore Festives.. Stupid right??
Then YJ & YX adjourned for their tanning session whereas me & hubby went for the luge & skyride. The luge was fun but a skyride was abit scary though. It moves so slow & i felt so insecure without a tightly hugging safety barrier. Hubby took 2 shots & i merely forced myself to smile at the camera & hands still hold tightly on the safety barrier.. Haha~
After the skyride, we went to the beach to look for them b4 we adjourned for another place. I hid in the shade afraid of getting tan.. *Bleah* Went to underwater world & dolphin lagoon. The dolphins were so cute! They can play hula hoop,wave goodbye, juggle the ball & even kissed..
Some random photos at UnderwaterWorld.. Can u figured what r they??
At the end of the day, depite my sunblock & hiding in the shade, i still got TANNED!! TMD!! If sunblock will still get tan, what's the use of SUNBLOCK?? Make me waste my time to make it a point to apply everytime i go out. I WANT to be fair fair as i get tan super easily.. Sianz.. This trip made me even more chao tar now.. Any1 hv any idea to be fairer??
She Blogged
11:20 PM
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